yo-yo...

Im literally yo-yoing. Not with my weight but with my mental state. I really cannot figure out what the deal is anymore. I was feeling great- I was back on track with everything since my last post. I was down almost 5 pounds. This past week was extremely busy. Sunday- Thursday I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I gained 2 pounds back. BLAH.

I had to cancel my appointment with the plastic surgeon last month, I am going Wednesday and then a different one Monday just so I have two opinions. I have to make something very clear. I am not getting surgery to look a certain way or look perfect or something crazy like that. It is to the point were my extra skin is causing issues. My lower back is always killing me and as yucky as it is, the extra skin gets in the way. I can no longer jog because it is so uncomfortable. Im not looking to achieve a wash board stomach and perfect breast. I just want to look somewhat normal and be comfortable. I worked so hard and did this all on my own. I feel like I deserve to finally be happy with myself. Several people have given me for lack of a better word, shit, for wanting to get a tummy tuck and my breast done but guess what? You have no idea what this feel like, so you don't deserve an opinion. Until you've lost 130 pounds by yourself can you tell me what you think is best for me. Moving on...

I really don't feel like getting into my problems at the moment, I will just say this. Stress and anxiety are in full force and it is negatively impacting my weight right now and how I feel. I feel like a brick, heavy and gross. I just can't wrap my head around the things going on in my life right now. I have never felt more disappointed and let down by a bunch of different situations at once like this. I feel out of control. So much is effecting me right now, I try to let things not bother me but, it's come to be too much. I want nothing more than a peaceful and drama-free life. Hopefully this will all pass soon and I can FINALLY finish what I started.  I am soooo close!!!!!

It's over.

My hiatus is over... that is.

Oh hey! So, I haven't posted a damn thing in 3 months. I swear, I have my reasons. Let me just say this, I have gotten my shit together. Let me begin with the biggest reason...

I moved! I left the nest and moved in with this boy. His name is Ryan, he is my boyfriend/room mate and I have to say, I am having a blast. Living together has been nothing but fun and exiting. I adore our new apartment. I adore waking up next to him everyday. I adore cooking and trying out new recipes. I adore cleaning (I'm serious)! I adore the responsibility. I JUST LOVE IT! We were so ready for this step and we are so happy and exactly where we want to be. Ryan is literally a ray of sunshine. He makes me laugh all day and is such a positive person. He sees the good in everything. I'm happy because I think some of that fabulous and positive attitude has rubbed off on me. Getting to my next point...

I went through a pretty rough patch the last time I updated. I think part of that was the stress of our upcoming move. I worked really hard to bring myself back to normal and I am happy to say that I feel great, no more sad spells. Of course there will always be things that bring all of us down, but I think I have learned to deal with them a lot better! I am in a wonderful place.

I weigh 163. My weight fluctuated upward just a smidge right around the move. I was back up to 170 at one point. That was totally unacceptable and scared the shit out of me. I quickly lost it and I am back to my lowest weight ever. I am doing very well with my eating, same as usual. I am staying right around 1500-1600 calories a day. I have been trying out some really delicious healthy recipes that I will be posting soon. I am on a soup kick right now. I made low-fat cauliflower cheddar soup which was amazing and butternut squash soup which made me want to throw a party it was so tasty. I love cooking! I can't wait to share all the stuff I have made!

Moving forward I have a new schedule. After my work day is done I have discovered I am too exhausted to go to the gym, my only choice is to go before. Ryan has been doing so and he said he feels great so I might as well give it a whirl. So 3 days a week we will be dragging our sleepy butts to the gym at 5am. YAY!?... Also, I have an appointment Monday with a surgeon to look at my extra skin. I want to know my options when it comes to removing it. I don't know when I would have the surgery,  or if I will even end up getting it. I am just going to see what the deal is really. I will update on that soon enough.

Until next time... ! 

HELP!

I have had SO many people ask for my help in their own weight loss journeys. I feel like I am in a good place in terms of my journey- I have felt the success of a major weight loss (although not finished just yet). I have learned oh so much along the way and honestly feel like I have learned how to lose weight not only in a healthy way, but to keep it off. I want to help EVERYONE who has ever felt like they were too big, needed to lose a few pounds, or even as much as I did. I am putting this out there to anyone- I am willing to help. We can just talk over email or meet up weekly to go over your own food journals- whatever I can do! Back in the day- I had a one-on-one weight loss consultant. Although I wasn't in the right place to lose a lot of weight at the time, it was SO helpful just to have someone to talk too, and look at what I was eating everyday and let me know how I was doing. I did lose 30 pounds at the time!

My email is

TeresaLGenova@gmail.com

I hope to hear from anyone who needs help  :)

Stepping it up.

Everyone has their struggles. I am no different. From the outside,  my obvious struggle is my weight. I ballooned when I was about 8 years old and by the time I turned 19, I weighed 294 pounds. Since February 18, 2010 I have lost about 135 pounds, you all know about that. Anyway, my not so obvious struggle has been much more of a battle than my weight loss. I hate to use the word but I have to- depression. Cliche', I know. I thought the depression was because of my obesity, maybe it used to be. As I have dropped the weight, more and more issues have come up for me. I think since my weight loss has slowed down over the past 6 months or so, all that is left is for me to face these issues. For lack of a better term, shit has hit the fan. Over the past few weeks, especially this past week I have been consumed by this deep, uncontrollable sadness. Friday night, I had a full blown aniexty attack. I spent the weekend talking about these issues with my mom and boyfriend and did a lot of thinking. Here is my conclusion-

The way I have been feeling is totally unacceptable. I am too young, have worked too hard, and have way to much to be happy about for me to feel depressed. So, like my weight problem, I am going to work very hard to change this on my own. In my journal I wrote down exactly what I need to do, my "steps to happiness" if you will :). I think I have talked about my personal things than this, so, I am going to share-

Step 1) Live healthy.
This is pretty simple. I feel better about myself and world when I am living healthy. I need to always continue my exercise routine and eat as cleanly as possible. My body is used to it and it really does effect my mood. Not only do I feel a sense of guilt when I eat something awful, but when I do not stay active, I feel lethargic and just down. I think I have this part down, but it had to be number one on my list!

Step 2) Expect less from people and self.
This is one of the biggest issues. I will start by saying this, I would bend over backwards for a stranger I see on the street. I go out of my way everyday for others and I am a people pleaser. I grew up thinking everyone was this way. "Treat others the way you would like to be treated?" I took that saying way to much to heart. Not everyone is like this and that is totally fine. I need to learn to give and expect nothing in return. The disappointment I have felt from others is crazy, from them basically doing nothing wrong. I also need to expect less from myself, I can't be a perfectionist 24/7-365. It is okay to relax, and even make mistakes.

Step 3) The past.
My past hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. No ones is. I, like most, have been so heartbroken and hurt that you can't get out of bed. I have been cheated on, made fun of, bullied- just to name a few. The OLD me went through all of that stuff. I have to learn to stop thinking about my past and holding on to pointless things I can't change. I would have loved to go through high school skinny and popular, but I didn't and that is that. WHO CARES! Everything happened/happens for a reason.

Step 4) Accepting me.
I am a new person, inside and out. This mostly has to do with the outside. Back to step 2-I shouldn't have excepted anything with this weight loss. I thought I was going to be toned, skinny and hot. Well, not really. I have extra skin, and will never be as small as I first thought. This is a tough thing to accept. It makes me mad that I worked so hard and still am not totally happy, but, this is me, this is what I look like. I am beautiful regardless of what I thought I would end up looking like. I have a great boyfriend and family who love me no matter what. They are so awesome I feel like I could have like 5 heads or something and they would still treat me as if I was some supermodel. They accept me, now I have to work on doing the same...

Step 5) Stop fearing abandonment.
I will not get into details on this one. Let me just say this- it is all I have ever known. I am finally with an amazing partner who will NEVER leave me. He has told me 9293 times he is going no where and is in this for the long run. I want nothing more than to spend my life with this person, and I know in order to do that, I need to not fear him leaving me, because it makes me crazy. What a guy :)

Step 6) Write.
I love to write. This blog is and has always been my therapy. I wrote this blog for months before I shared it with anyone. I love it and I love helping other people through my journey. Sharing everything has helped me do just that. I need to write more and more consistently!

These are my steps to happiness. I am grateful for everyone and everything I have. I am ready to put the past behind me, accept myself and what I look like, love and just live. It is simple really. I will re read these everyday until they are burned into my brain! I think everyone deserves pure happiness, and I am no different.

Down.

Let me start by saying this, things are not going my way. I caved and had to weigh myself, I know, disappointing. I felt so off and unsuccessful- I had to see how I was doing on the scale. I didn't lose anything or gain anything. I have been so busy and just completely unmotivated. I have barley worked out. I am so mad at myself. This is honestly like a roller coaster. One day I feel good and the next, fat and horrible. I know this is in my control. The main thing I have learned over the past 3 years is just that. Only I am in control of this journey. Every time I eat, or make the choice to work out or not,  it effects this journey. I know that, and it is exhausting. I need to find my path again, because I am completely off course. I weigh 163 pounds and it's the smallest I have ever been. Everyone thinks I am crazy but, I am not satisfied just yet. I am thrilled with my 134 pound loss however, I will not be 100% happy until I reach 155 pounds. My perfectionism may be annoying to some, but, that is how I got to where I am today. Accepting nothing less than consistent weight loss. I am feeling really down and I feel like I have lost sight of everything. I am hoping more than anything I can finish this, lose these last 8 pounds, and tone up. That is when I will finally be able to celebrate all of my hard work.

On a lighter, happier note- I am moving! My boyfriend and I are moving in together in a little over a month. We are renting a one bedroom apartment together. I am overjoyed. I am ready to open this new chapter in my life, and our lives together. Living on my own, being totally in control of everything I buy to eat, everything I cook and how I spend my time I think will be nothing but beneficial for me. I can honestly see me dropping all of this weight very soon after I am living on my own. Only time will tell!

happiness.

I know, shame on me. If you have followed my blog since the beginning- you know about these weird breaks I take sometimes.  It has been a month and a couple of weeks since my last post. Sometimes I need to step away and let things happen before I can write. Lots has happened and is going on, all positive, great and wonderful things.

Lets go back to May 3rd. My absolutely amazing and beautiful friends, my family and my boyfriend Ryan did something for me I never thought anyone would. They threw me a surprise party! What was the party for? My weight loss. I was overwhelmed with emotion. All of the important people in my life got together and wanted to celebrate this. Something I have worked for day in and day out for years now. It was perfect. Everything down to the cake that read "feeling flirty, lost 130!" Then the bottom of the cake  "10 away shout hooray!" How adorable and thoughtful? That night was truly a turning point for me. It made me realize how far I have come, how proud everyone is of me, and how I need to be proud of myself. I can never thank my friends, boyfriend and family for that night enough. I don't think they realized the true, positive impact it had on me. It was a turning point in this journey, one I needed desperately. 

I took a step back after that night, I had come so incredibly far. I have said this before, this whole weight loss is more mentally challenging than anything, and yet again, my head needed to catch up with my changing body. I am the smallest I have ever been as an adult. The last time I weighed 163 pounds, I was maybe 12. I am a size 8/10 in pants and a medium in shirts and dresses. I feel so little. It is so weird to look at myself in the mirror. Just like everyone else , I hardly recognize myself.

I used to weigh 294.4 pounds. I weigh 163 pounds today. I set a goal for myself over 3 years ago. I want to weigh 155 pounds. I am so close, only 8 pounds away from my first ever ultimate goal. Crazy to think about. In order to reach this "so close"goal, I have totally revamped the plan and I am doing something a little out of the norm. Since my last post I have lost 2 pounds. I am now setting a date. I want to reach that goal, my ultimate goal, by August 1st. I am not weighing in until then! The scale is gone and I will not see it until that morning. The main reason I am doing this is because, I have become obsessed with the number again, weighing myself every day. If I weigh less than I did the day before, I slack. It's horrible I know, and that is why I have made this decision. I have a set gym routine and I am going to stay on track with my eating. 

So, with the new plan in place I feel great. I didn't weigh in this week, but I feel really small and healthy. That's always a good sign. Since I won't be weighing in with my weekly results for the next month or so, I will be posting lots of food journals and just how the plan is going. It is so hard not to know my weight but I think it is the push I need! 

My life is amazing now. I think about the old me, and there is no comparison. I am, for the first time , so happy. I have a loving, supportive boyfriend who I honestly think is the best human being  I have ever met, wonderful friends who push me everyday to keep going, and a great support system at home. I love them all so much it makes me want to cry. They are the reason I will lose this last bit of weight, and complete this journey strong.

On to the last 8 pounds....   

Here are just a few pictures from the party :)

Amanda, me, Sara and Kathy!

Making wishes :)

My cake!

Mom, Carla, Alissa me and dad.

My love.

The set up :)!

onehundred&thirty

Okay so it has been a while- let me catch up on what has been going on.

So, my last post- I gained and lost 4 pounds of water weight. I got back on track everything has been perfect. That time of the month happened last week and honestly, I didn't even feel like getting on the scale. I knew I was doing fine with my eating and exercise so I just figured I'd skip a week, hey, I make the rules here!

My fabulous friends at work took a zumba class at the gym we all go to and invited me to go. Holy crap, I am so sad I never started doing these classes sooner! They are so fun and fabulous. You don't even feel like you are working out, once your done it's feels like you ran for miles. Not to mention it burns so many calories! We did 2 classes last week and have one tonight. I will forever take a zumba class at least once a week. It is a blast and a great workout. With all of that said, this past weigh in I lost 2 pounds. That puts me at 130.4 pounds lost. One hundred and thirty pounds! I can't stop saying it. I lost the size of like, an adult women. This is crazy!

I also hit another milestone this week. I went shopping for pants, all my size 12 pants need to be retired. So anyway, I am in oldnavy with my love muffin and I am grabbing all of these size 10 pants. Um, no. They were too big! I bought my first official single digit size in over 12 years. Size 8 crop skinnies :) I opened the fitting room door with tears in my eyes and celebrated with Ryan. I'm so glad he was there to share that moment with me. Did I mention he has lost like 20 pounds and went down a size? He did and he is wonderful. I am so lucky!

I am only 9 pounds away from my 140 pound weight loss goal! Lets do it people!

Water, x4

Just thinking about this week makes me mad. I finally felt like things were falling into place and I was on this positive streak. I went away this past weekend with work, I had lots of fun! I did so well with my eating. I wanted to eat so many bad things but I kept my cool. I tracked my calories. I ate around 1700 calories a day, exactly what I have been eating for months. I resisted so many temptations! Well I got back Saturday night and made the huge mistake of weighing myself Sunday morning. Uh, 170... WHAT?!?!?!? I gained FOUR pounds!?!?!? I was actually devastated. This has never ever happened to me. I've gone away plenty of times while on this journey, for a much longer period of time than 2-3 days and I've never gained more then 2 pounds, if that.  This bothered me so much because type of thing just doesn't happen to me.

Well, I went on with my week, doing exactly what I always do, tracking, eating healthy, working out and no budge on the scale. Did I really gain 4 pounds?! How could I allow this to happen at this stage in the game?

I was so down on myself.  Then on Wednesday I felt like absolute crap. From the minute I woke up I felt like I had just eaten a huge meal. I felt gross. When I got home from work I took a water pill. I normally stay away from pills and medicine all together but I couldn't take it anymore, I felt so bloated. Too much info time- from 3 pm on Wednesday until I woke up on Thursday I peed 15 times. Can you say water weight?!? Long behold guess what the scale said? 166 pounds.

This week was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. Gaining 4 pounds of water weight, then losing it was a mind fuck. It scared me so so bad! I have no idea why this happened. I've just stopped thinking about it because it bothers me so much. I feel like I wasted a week. I'm so angry but whatever, I just have to do my best this week and look past it I guess :(.  So, I'm still 166 pounds and 128.4 pounds down. Thank god!

11 pounds to go!

- 128.4

So, last week was a bust. I was actually very disappointed. I worked out 3 times, ate extremely healthy but of course, I was bloated because of my period. There was no change on the scale. How frustrating!! Well, this week was much better. I lost 1.4 pounds! That puts me at 166 pounds. A total loss of 128.4 pounds and only 11 pounds away from my goal! Lots of number I know :)

This past week everything seemed to just fall into place. I don't want to jinx anything but, I have really been able to get into a routine with the gym, I have struggled with this my entire journey. I go for a few weeks then stop for a week and blah. I think it has been at least a month and a half now that I have been going consistently. I really feel good. I crave the feeling I get when I leave the gym and I'm pretty sure that is a good thing! I think it just goes to show how truly motivated I am after my health scare, and how badly I just want to reach my goal!!! It's been over 3 years, it's time to just do it  already :)

I am going away for a couple of days with work. We will see if I can stay on track away from home. It's been quite a while since I have been faced with this type of challenge. Wish me luck!

On to the last 11 pounds....!

Sappy.

Sometimes it boggles my mind how I have done what I have done. It is hard to wrap my brain around losing so much weight, and changing my life. I was 19 when I made the choice to get healthy. Most 19 year olds are out having fun with friends, becoming who they are meant to become and living a carefree life. I on the other hand was 294 pounds. I didn't want to leave the house, I had barely any friends, and was so incredibly unhealthy. I vividly remember the moment I decided to do this. It was a Tuesday morning, and I had skipped class again- why? Because it was one of those classrooms where all the desks where attached to the chairs and I didn't fit. Kind of funny now, but at the time it was horribly embarrassing. Anyway, I was driving around thinking and something just clicked. I knew I was too young and too unhealthy. I wanted a better life. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be beautiful. I got home and found an empty journal. The rest is history.

Not a day has gone by in the past 3 years, 1 month and 8 days that this weight loss hasn't consumed me. Whether it was a good day, a bad day- a horrible month or successful month, it is all I have thought about. The thought of me being a small tiny 12 pounds away from the weight I have dreamt of since the beginning of all of this honestly brings tears to my eyes.

At times I have held on by a thread. There were times over the past 3 years that I didn't think I could do this. I thought I would fail and I have never been so sorry for thinking those thoughts. I can do anything, this journey has taught me just that. The motivation for losing this weight has changed over time. At first it was all about getting skinny. It has recently changed to get healthy and happy. That is really the most important thing in the world, being healthy.

I am going to lose these last 12 pounds for the old me. The 10 year old who was bullied on the playground, the 13 year old who never ever thought she would have a boyfriend because of her size, the 15 year old who didn't see her life getting better and wanting to die because of it, and the 19 year old who made a life changing, mature decision and saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have never been so motivated, it is radiating off of me. I want nothing more than to finish what I started, and help everyone I can get healthy and happy.

On to the last 12 pounds....

Inches.

Starting measurements:

2/18/10 - 294.4 lbs

Neck: 17 in.

Arms: 17 in.

Bust: 53 in.

Waist: 41 in.

Hips: 55 in.

Thighs: 26 in

2/18/12 - 181.6 lbs

Neck: 13 in.

Arms: 13 in.

Bust: 40 in.

Waist: 31.5 in.

Hips: 41.5 in.

Thighs: 22 in.

Current measurements:
3/18/13 - 169.2 lbs

Neck: 12.5 in.

Arms: 12.5 in. 

Bust: 37 in.

Waist: 30 in.

Hips: 40 in.

Thighs: 21.5 in.

Inches lost: 55.5 

So I totally forgot to do my yearly measurements on my 3rd year anniversary. I just did them and it is truly mind blowing. I lost 15 inches around my hips alone. That means I was like 7.5 inches wider on both sides.... Whoa baby. I hope this is a sweet dose of motivation :) 

So far so good this week. I am feeling wonderful and healthy. I will update further when I weigh in!!

A new perspective.

This past week was pure hell. I thought I was dieing. The impending news that I may have a cyst or something worse in/on my pancreas was just too much for me. I had all of these horrible dramatic thoughts and it seriously took a toll on me. I felt fatigued, sick and terrified. I was preparing myself for the worst news possible. That is one of my main flaws, I always expect the worst. Well, thankfully I am okay. Whatever they thought they saw on my ultrasound was not there on my MRI. My pancreas looks "beautiful" according to my doctor, and I no longer have bags under my eyes, and my heart in my throat. When the doctor told me I was okay, I cried. This was a scary thing to go through. Especially when I work day in and day out to be as healthy as I can be. The thought of there being something wrong inside is completely devestating. It sucked the life out of me, and I am grateful beyond words for my health more than ever. I do have a stomach ulcer, which is feeling better already after 2 weeks of Prilosec and watching what I eat. That will eventually heal and everything will be okay :)

Having this scare makes me even more motivated. It scared me into never ever wanting to go through those test, that feeling ever again. I want to get so healthy that I never have to go through it when I'm older. Everything happens for a reason and like I said before, I may always expect the worst but I do try to see the positive in everything after the fact. The positive things I learned from this experience were to be healthy, eat clean, be active, do not take anything for granted, especially your body. You only get one! Love, laugh, smile, be happy, have fun and to be grateful for everything in your life. I am especially grateful for my amazing boyfriend during all of this. He listened to me cry for hours, hearing all of my crazy, sometimes irrational thoughts on all of it. I would hold it in all day, and the minute he would walk in the room, I would burst  out into tears as he hugged me telling me everything would be okay. That is exactly what I needed. Someone to just listen and tell me no matter what happened, I would be okay and they would be there for me. After all of this, I am realizing how truly perfect, caring and wonderful he is. He is an angel and I love him so much it hurts! How did I get so lucky?


I did not lose any weight this week. No surprise there as it was the furthest thing from my mind. I did not gain so that's good. More importantly,  I am so happy, feeling healthy again and extremely motivated, probably more than ever. This whole thing really lit the fire under my ass. Not to mention, I have some very motivated people around me who I am supporting on there own journeys. I love it! I am so excited for what is to come :)

Give me a break!

I'm going to start this post with something I seem to always start my posts with...

Where to begin?

I stopped taking my birth control about 2 weeks ago now. Can I please tell you how amazing I feel? I did not realize how depressed I was while taking it. It turned me into a different person, a very scary, nauseous, tired person. I am so glad I stopped taking it, not only for my own sake but everyone around me (poor Ryan- thank you and I love you for putting up with my bullshit!!)

On a different note, to make a very long story short- I was having some pretty horrible abdominal pain. It started last Wednesday, the worst of it was Friday night into Saturday and it sort of went away on it's own. I had that pain twice before, about a year and a half ago, and then again 6 months ago. I didn't think anything of it except for this time it just felt like there was acid all in my belly and throat. I got an ultrasound of my stomach (I went in thinking it was my gallbladder) turns out I have a stomach ulcer. Am I surprised? No... The reason being is for the best 10 years I've suffered with insane menstrual cramps. My go to OTC painkiller is motrin. I pop them like candy for a week straight every month. So, that is that. I ruined my stomach and now I have to deal with the ulcer and cramps each month because moving forward taking motrin is not a choice! It can heal on its own and get better, I just have to be careful of what I eat. No citrus fruit, spicy things or excess caffeine. 

The ultrasound found a couple other things. I have a fatty liver. This should and will go away on its own once my body adjusts completely to the weight loss and as I lose even more weight. The doctor said this might be causing some of my symptoms but its unlikely. Lastly, they think I have a cyst in my pancreas. This is very scary and terrifies me because, we aren't exactly sure what it is yet, and the seriousness of it. I am trying to stay positive and just not think about it until I know exactly what the heck is in there. Out of everything I found out, this concerns me the most and I will update as soon as I get the MRI. I tried getting an MRI today for it, but it went totally wrong. The dye they injected me with ended up under my skin and not in my veins causing me to have a painful meltdown in the MRI machine. I have to wait a whole week to get the test redone. UGH! I cannot catch a break.

Okay, on a positive note. I lost 3.2 pounds this week! All of the water weight from my period is gone and I lost a pound on top of that. I weigh 169.2. Finally out of the 170s :)

I refuse to be a sick person. I don't care how much pain I am in because of this ulcer or whatever is going on in my pancreas. I cannot and will not let this stop me. I went to the gym the other night in so much pain I could not stand up straight. I didn't go crazy, just walked on the treadmill. However, it made me feel so much better knowing I can still do what needs to get done. No matter what the results are of this MRI, I will not stop doing what I am doing. It is not an option for me. I am only 14.2 pounds away from my 140 pound weight loss goal! Nothing is going to stop me now. 

Some food for thought.

So last week I said I would post a journal to give everyone an idea of what I have been eating. Up until about 3 months ago I would track my food in a notebook. 6 notebooks later I needed to find an easier way of doing it. I got an iPhone and now it is much more convenient to track on there since I have it attached to my hip. I use the my plate "lite" app (the lite one is the free one.) I tried my fitness pal and calorie counter apps before but this one seems to be the best one for me. Their data base is huge and I have had the most success with it.

Here is my food journal from Thursday

Breakfast: 7:30am
Multigrain Cheerios with milk- 160
Banana- 90
Coffee with milk- 45

Snack: 11:30am
apple- 80
Rice cakes- 90

Lunch: 1:30 pm
Vegetable soup- 120
Whole grain goldfish- 140

Snack: 3:45pm
1 cup blackberries- 60
Granola bar: 90

Dinner: 6:15pm
1 slice pizza- 300
Large salad with light raspberry walnut dressing- 100

Snack: 8:30pm
Whonu chocolate cookies - 150
Blueberries- 30

Total: 1,455 calories.
Water: 64 oz.

So as you can see- I eat a lot and I eat all day long. It is just a matter of eating smaller meals, and eating more fruits and veggies. Fruits and veggies are very filling and have little calories (this day in particular I didn't go crazy with the vegetables) I cannot physically  go more than 3-4hours without eating. The more hungry I let myself get I will more likely give into temptations. That's why I make sure I eat every 2 to 3 hours because if I end up starving I will grab the first thing I see and it will probably be unhealthy. Losing weight is not at all about starving yourself, or just eating salads and plain grilled chicken. I eat everything I want. It is just a matter of eating it in moderation. Eat whatever you want, it has a serving size for a reason! To combat hunger I also drink water all day long. I sip on it constantly.

Of course some nights I still get dessert with dinner. If you find a way to eat healthy, sharing a piece of cheesecake with someone once a week, or getting a bagel every Saturday morning is not going to hurt you, it will actually help you feel less deprived. I am down to 170 pounds from 294. The way I eat is so doable. I do not eat perfect, it isn't possible for me too eat all organic or cut out dairy. It's just not for me. I know everyone says this, but, if I can do it YOU can too :)

6.6 in six.

In the 6 weeks since I've been back on track, writing again and having my weekly weigh ins I've lost 6.6 pounds. I don't usually weigh in until Friday, however, I felt so great this morning I figured I'd take the chance and weigh in. Long behold the scale read 170.4 pounds. That is a 1.8 pound loss this week and an overall loss of  124 pounds. Yes, I just teared up a little. I don't think I have been this small since maybe middle school. I feel so tiny, light and healthy.

This week in particular has been tough emotionally. I never thought losing weight was going to be such a challenge mentally. I don't know if it is my body getting smaller, me having a hard time adjusting or just the overall stress of it but I have been all over the place. My emotions are everywhere. One minute I'm happy, the next anxious. I have been going to a lot of doctors still regarding my fainting. I just don't know, I do not have the answer. On top of it, I feel alone. That's why I felt like writing tonight, I needed an outlet.

I have not posted my food journals in quite sometime- I will do that either tomorrow or early next week just to give everyone an idea of what I have been eating. Calorie wise, I've been eating between 1500 and 1600, staying active through out the day and working out for like 2 hours either once or twice a week. As always, I wish I could get to the gym more!!!

Onto the final 15.4 pounds...

Extra

So, I have extra skin- duh, it comes with the territory. It doesn't bother me too much, at least I didn't think so.  Since the last time I passed out I've been seeing doctor after doctor trying to figure out why it is happening. My neurologist said I'm fine, my cardiologist said I'm fine. According to them nothing is wrong in my head or heart that might be causing these episodes. After a very long appointment with my primary doctor I think there is finally an answer for all my dizziness and my fainting, I'm so happy we finally figured it out but it's going to be very painful to fix.

Basically this is what's happening- the blood in my body is flowing in areas it no longer has too, all my extra skin, so it isn't getting to my head fast enough. That is what is causing all of these issues!! So not only does my extra skin prevent me from being comfortable naked, and looking cute in a bathing suit, it is taking my blood supply away from where it is really needed. My doctor said, it is like I'm a tiny person in this slightly bigger body and there just isn't enough blood to go around. Makes sense. The "vertigo" started right around the time I lost 60 pounds so, she said the timing of the dizziness makes sense.

I'm relieved that I finally know what is going on but I'm stressed about what I need to do. I could live with this, although it is incredibly  annoying all around, or I could do something about it. Get skin removal surgery. That is a major deal. I've read and heard that it is extremely painful, takes forever to recover from, most insurances will not cover it and the scars it leaves are ugly, especially on the arms.

To conclude, I have lots to think about. My feelings about it now are this- get down to my goal weight, see if the symptoms get worse, and possibly consult with a plastic surgeon. So, that is that I guess, the mystery has been solved.

I lost a little under a pound this week. That makes 5 weeks of consecutive weight loss. I think it is safe to say that I'm back :) 17.4 pounds away!

mixed emotions

Where to begin?

I suppose I will start with, I have been feeling like an utter failure lately. For weeks now I have just been down in the dumps. It's depressing. I have not been feeling good. I swear I am nauseous at least once a day, and just completely exhausted. I have been sleeping fine, eating very well and working out a minimum of twice a week. I'm not really understanding what is happening to me. I think it's my birth control. I started it in August and things just have not been right since. I've called my obgyn and I have an appointment with my primary next week. Hopefully much sooner rather than later I get these issues squared away because frankly, I have never felt more depressed, unable to do the things I want and need to do because of feeling sick. I hate it. 

My three year mark of this journey is coming up in a couple weeks, February 18th. Three whole, long, entire years of trying to change my life and lose this weight! It has been such a battle. My first year I lost about 53 pounds, second year, about 59 and this year... 7. Sounds weird to say I only lost 7 pounds in a year after losing over 50 the first two but hey, what can you do right? Like I mentioned in previous posts, this year was definitely a year of change for me. I feel like my life is rid of any toxic things that were holding me back. Although losing more weight would have been ideal, I cannot be mad at myself for focusing on my mental health and happiness for a change. On top of that, I have been so busy this year, jeez. I have lost a little over 3 pounds since starting this "final 23" blog. Therefore I am officially on the the final twenty pounds of this weight loss journey! WHOOHOO! YAY! I am so close to that 140 pound weight loss goal I can smell it. 

I finally have some motivation back in my life too. Ryan is a machine. He is working SO incredibly hard to reach his own weight loss goals. Consistent gym visits, tracking his food, asking me for advice is just the breath of fresh air I needed. I LOVE helping people, especially the people I adore beyond words. Being with someone like him, who is going through the same thing as me makes it that much more exciting to succeed. He is one of the main reasons I know in my mind I will reach my goal. He is so encouraging. He lost 4 pounds this past week! What an angel :).

Him and I are also planning a beach vacation for mid-May. That is a another huge motivator. I see myself wearing sleeveless sundresses, and being totally comfortable on the beach in a bathing suit! I want that so bad. I need to keep that in mind when I feel tempted by something unhealthy or feel too lazy to get my ass to the gym!

I am hanging in there, and honestly doing all I can despite feeling very sick a lot of the time. I will keep everyone updated on what the heck is going on! 

Baby steps

I lost a pound! The first one in forever and I am so happy. It may seem like nothing to celebrate but to me, it is. I have been feeling great lately. I upped my water intake and I have just been making better eating choices. I'm trying so hard and this tiny loss is just the gratification and motivation I needed. I don't have much else to talk about this week. I just wanted to report my step in the right direction!

Passing out.

This year is a little, tiny 12 days old. It feels like it has been months. So much has happened, good and bad. I feel so confident moving forward. My eating is totally back on track. I am making the right choices again and keeping my portions in check. One thing I noticed is how hard it is to get my will power back. In the beginning of all of this, someone could put a bunch of cupcakes in front of my face and I wouldn't even budge. This is much harder to do now. I am working on it though. In terms of exercising, that has always been my issue. Working out consistently has always been difficult for me. I have worked out, just not as much as I should. However, wanting to lose these last 23 pounds is motivation enough. I will start consistently again as soon as I get better. Yes, yet another set back, one that has happened before!

I passed out and hit my head. Except this time I hit my head right above my eye on my face, not the back of my head. So, I have a nice, very visible black and blue eye. No concussion though this time! This happened to me 2 years ago. Around this time actually which is kind of bizarre, but I think that is just a coincidence. I woke up around 3am on thursday to use the bathroom and on my way back into my room I passed out and hit my head/face on the molding around my closet door. When I woke up from it, I called out for my mom and just started crying. I was upset that this had happened again and very scared. We went to the E.R, I got a cats-scan, blood work, E.K.G, everything. They really didn't find anything based on those test, so I was diagnosed with syncope. That's basically a fancy term for passing out for no reason. Freaky.

The next day I went to the neurologist, she suggested an E.E.G to check my brain for seizure like activity, stuff like that, which I got done yesterday. Also, I am seeing a cardiologist because I have low blood pressure, which could very likely be the reason I passed out, I go there at the end of the month. So right now we are just trying to figure out why it happened, and I am taking it easy. The side of my body where I fell is super sore and my face hurts terribly.

Last time I hit my head like I said I got a concussion. Not this time, so it won't be a huge awful set back. I am planning on starting to exercise again on Monday.

So far this year, I have not lost any weight (haven't gained either!!) The not losing part is kind of depressing, but, I am not going to let it discourage me. It is an adjustment to get fully back on track. So I am just going to move forward and do my absolute best. Hopefully this weeks results are much more exciting.