Anything.

In honor of my 24th birthday just passing I would like to say this. Thank you 23. You taught me so much and you were life changing. It was the year of change. I got engaged, I got life changing surgery and learned more about the world and myself than I can even explain. I experienced more up and downs than I thought possible. I have so much to look forward too in this next year. I will continue to heal and get to know this new person I seemed to become overnight. I will also become someones wife. Someone who literally amazes me everyday. Someone who I am lucky to even know. Someone who I care about so deeply it hurts. 24 will be perfect and I cannot wait.

Anyway,

I haven't  posted anything in FOREVER. Life has gotten pretty busy and crazy to be honest. After my last post lots of things happened, not so much with me but with the people around me. I think honestly it was some what of a blessing in disguise. At the time I felt overwhelmed because I still didn't feel good and I was limited in what I could do. But looking back it helped take my mind off of my situation and what was happening to me. This whole surgery and healing process has kind of been a huge learning experience for me as odd as it sounds. I don't know if it was because I had so much time to self reflect or simply, what I went through was so tough and life changing but I feel like I came out of it all so much stronger than I was going in. I sort of learned what is important to me, who is important to me and what my priorities are. Ive been to hell and back through this whole weight loss process. The fact I even got the surgery still seems like a dream. I am so utterly and completely grateful and thankful for it all. I would do it again. It was terrifyingly amazing.

Like I said, lots has been learned. I learned that I can overcome anything. I over came my weight issue. I overcame this difficult healing process. I feel more confidant in myself, not just because of the way I have changed physically but the fact that I over came so much. The physical limitations I experienced were humbling. I went from not being able to walk to going for a hike this morning. It is crazy what the body can heal from.  Speaking of healing, I still am not 100%. At night I still get very sore and stiff. I can't really arch my back or stretch yet. I am exercising again but I can't really do ab exercises or lift my arms really high. I feel like I have adapted to these limitations and don't really notice them anymore. I still have swelling believe it or not. Right above my incision line is still very puffy. However, it is a million times better than it was. It will eventually go down. It could take another 3-6 months! I don't really even notice the scar anymore either. It is just apart of me. I see it only when I really look for it. Don't get me wrong, it is extremely noticeable but, it is part of my journey  and in a strange way I am proud of it.

My body just makes more sense. I am more in proportion and shapely. I didn't realize how much the extra skin made me look, boxy? I think. I don't really know how to explain it. All I know is, I feel better about myself, I feel like I look better in clothes and that is really all that matters. I am so much happier and I cannot wait to continue to work out and tone up and see what else I can do and accomplish. This whole weight loss journey will never be over. It is something I will be on for the rest of my life. The surgery wasn't the end of anything. In a way it was the beginning.

When I decided to get this surgery I had no idea the impact it would have had on me. What got me through was my family and friends. The people who, when things got ugly and tough were still there for me and supported me. I can never thank you all enough for that. I will never ever forget what my dad said to me before I got this surgery. He told me "you can always look back at what you did and say to yourself man, I can do ANYTHING." I think for the first time, I truly believe I can and I cannot wait to see what is next.

I will update again soon :)

progress!

Yesterday was my 4 week mark!! I have to say, things have been good, I feel so much better! I feel like I am 85% recovered. I definitely feel much more like myself. I am still swollen, especially at night and I get very sore at night. However, I have been pushing myself to do more. I try to go for walks as much as possible and get out of the house. I need to build my stamina up again! My bruises are fading and my scar is looking incredible. I have seen a lot of scar pictures at the one month mark and I have to say, mine doesn't look like any I have seen. On the sides it is just a thin red line, down towards the bottom there are still some scabs, but the same, just a thin red line. I finally fit into jeans again! I tried to put them on a week ago and they wouldn't even button. I was so discouraged. I tried again last night and long behold, they fit and they looked great. Starting tomorrow I am headed back to the gym. I got the okay to do everything besides ab work. I cannot wait to work out again. Things have gotten a little gooey since the surgery, so I definitely need to tone back up! Here is a progress picture. Before, 11 days after surgery (top) and than 4 weeks since the surgery (bottom). Again, these are still not the final results. All of the swelling will probably not go down for 2 more months! Such a long time to wait, but, I am over joyed with the results so far!!

Happy 2 weeks post op!

It has been 14 days since my surgery. I have to say it is continuing to go by quickly. Just an update on how things are going...

I am finally sleeping, like a rock. I fall asleep around 11pm nightly and don't open my eyes again again 10am. I feel like a teenager again sleeping away my morning, but, I clearly need to sleep. I had major surgery and then didn't sleep for a week after. I'm so happy that I'm somewhat regular again when it comes to that. I feel much better, I feel myself healing more and it makes the days go by a little quicker. Speaking of healing, that I am. The bruises on my breast are fading, and my incision on my tummy is a long scab. However, I woke up 2 mornings ago with something a little concerning. A huge new bruise on the front of my incision. I was a little alarmed because being 12 days after my surgery I didn't think it was normal to develop new bruises. I called the doctor and explained. Thankfully they said as long as it doesn't feel harder than the surrounding skin it shouldn't be a problem. Ever since that, I have developed even more bruises. I am keeping a very close eye and am seeing my doctor tomorrow. Lets hope it is just some delayed bruising! My swelling has also come to it's peek. I am so incredibly swollen everywhere. I know a wound ends up looking uglier and uglier as it reaches its peek healing time, so I am just hoping for the best! But right now, it is UGLY!!

Mentally and for the most part physically I am feeling much better! I feel a little stuck in the house, I wish I could go out for dinner or hit the mall but I am just not ready yet. I am feeling about 60% better than I did right after surgery. I still unfortunately have a ways to go. It's hard to stand up for a long time and I get winded very easily. I am thinking by a month after surgery I will be feeling myself again. I did feel good enough to try on a bunch of new clothes I ordered. I cannot believe how different I look in clothes! I never thought the extra skin made that big of a difference but wow, seeing myself now, I can't even believe it. I cannot WAIT to heal and feel better and just get back to normal life! I miss it! But, I know the longer I lay low and relax the quicker I will heal, and heal properly which is very important!

Before and after picture, so far...

I suppose I am ready to show the world my results so far! I am emphasizing the so far because these are not my final results. I am very swollen still being only 11 days post op. So far, I love my tummy. Once the  swelling continues to go down I will post another picture :) so the before, me after losing 130 pounds, the after 11 days post op skin removal. My bra is a compression bra I have to wear it for I think 2 weeks. It's ripping and not the prettiest but I had a lift and small implant as well! 

Day 9

I am 9 days post op. I have to say it is going by pretty quickly (knock on wood)! There have been some hiccups but I am sure that is to be expected. My main hiccup is crying, can you believe that? Me crying over EVERYTHING. What a shock. I've cried cause it hurts, I'm tired, I miss my dog, I miss sleeping next to Ryan. You name it, I have cried over it. I feel like I fully prepared myself for the actual surgery and the physical stuff but not how much this surgery would change my everyday life. It annoys me that I cannot stretch or shower without feeling like my skin is going to rip opened. I know this will all improve with time, but, I super impatient. Time, time, time I suppose. I also didn't expect to be so grossed out. I give my mom and Ryan so much credit for changing my gauze and draining my drains (ew). I had two drains on both ends of my incision. They helped reduce swelling which was nice but they were disgusting. I would cringe when I saw them and thought about how there were  tubes in my body. Thankfully I got them pulled out yesterday. I will not get into detail about that. It was horrific and Ryan watched the whole thing. I think he will make a great nurse :) I also have had a horrible time sleeping! I usually sleep on my side curled up in a ball. I have been having to sleep propped up on my back, ALONE! Being alone makes me think which make my anxiety sky rocket. As I lay there I just can't stop thinking, and then I realize I have been laying there for 6 hours without sleeping. That has been a huge problem but I am to the point where I am so exhausted, I think I will start sleeping normally again soon.

 My favorite part of this surgery is my new belly button, YES, a new one. It is so cute. My belly button has always looked like a saggy line, not anymore!  I also have to get my nose re pierced. It closed during my surgery. Bummer right? I also lost 5 pounds. I can't really eat a lot, it makes me so bloated. I have been eating super light, lots of fruits and veggies too. I have also been drinking a ton of water, more water than I ever have! This isn't from the surgery. The excess skin didn't weigh much because it was empty. If he did take off any weight from my belly, he just added it back with the implant. So, that is that, a quick update. I think an "after" picture will be coming by the end of the week. Sorry for the super random last paragraph! 

because Im happy...

This morning I got a call from my nurse saying I could shower. It has been 5 days and let me tell you, if it wasn't for baby wipes and my kitchen sink I don't think anyone would want to come within 5 feet of me! This shower meant the first time I saw myself naked. I was overwhelmed with excitement. I gathered my things as quickly as possible and headed up the stairs for the first time, I have been staying on the first floor of my home to avoid stairs. I slowly made my way up. My knees felt like led as they got used to the lifting motion. I made it up and undid my dressings, took of my binder and my compression bra and looked in the mirror. Before I could even take it all in, immediate tears flowed down my face and my first thought? "Oh my god, I am so....TINY." My sagging wrinkled tummy is now tight and flat. My roll that sagged and held onto sweat and hid my belly button was GONE. My saggy pointy breast are now lifted and round and natural looking. This may be to much information but I need to explain something. Since before I was 10 years old I remember being ashamed of the way I looked. I remember as a child being upset because I was bigger than everyone. It took me many years, a major weight loss and surgery to finally have positive feelings about the way I look. And I do not regret one thing. My journey made me the person I am. I am humble and grateful every single day of my life. If I could go back and say anything to that 10 year old chubby girl it would be, enjoy the ride,  it is wild and difficult but it is all going to be worth it.

 I am so so so grateful that I was able to get this surgery. I am so grateful to my Mom and dad who sat by my side for 2 days in the hospital. My mom has been helping me with everything from getting out of bed to getting dressed and sleeping in a chair next to me to make sure I am okay at night. My dad for sending me my favorite edible arrangement in the mail and calling me non stop to make sure I am okay. My sisters who have shown me so much love and support, making sure I am okay and not bored. I am so grateful for Ryan who has been keeping a smile on my face this entire process and always reminding me everything will be okay. Also, for seeing me and my absolute WORST and still telling me I am the most beautiful girl in the world. Ryan's parents who are taking such great care of our puppy while I recover and visiting me with magazines and flowers. My future brother and sister in law for my pretty flowers. Everyone from my job who sent me a gift and get well card! Lastly, my friends,  Thank you for all of the texts and Facebook support. You made this experience well worth it. Thank you for following my journey now for almost 5 years.  And finally, I want to thank you all for thinking I was beautiful even when I didn't see it. I think that now we are all on the same page, we can consider this all somewhat of a success.....

As you can tell I am overwhelmed with joy and happiness and I have been crying as I write this entire  post. I love you all so much and cannot wait to show you my results in pictures!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I did it!

My surgery is done, and what a tough road it was. I arrived at the hospital on Thursday morning. I don't think I had ever been so scared in my entire life. I arrived at 7:45 am and I was in surgery by 10:00am. The whole time I was waiting, I just kept saying, I can't believe today is the day! After my surgeon marked me up, I said goodbye to Ryan and my mom. It was very emotional for me. My biggest fear going into this was not waking up. I cried so so hard but wow, the nurses where so incredibly sweet and comforting. They gave me something to calm my nerves. The last thing I remember was being wheeled into the OR, someone  (wasn't sure who)  asked me who my favorite band is. I said, "OMG I LOVE FLEETWOOD MAC."  I was so fucked up! I feel asleep listening to the first line of "The Chain." What a great way to go into your first surgery right?

Then the fun stuff happened, NOT. I wake up and from that moment on I felt like I was on a drug detox. I puked, cried, passed out like 6 times, had to pee in front of strangers! It was the hardest thing I have probably ever been through. I stayed at the hospital 2 and a half days. I was under for 7 and a half hours and the nurses I had the night after my surgery kept pumping me with morphine. I have never had anything that harsh in my system and it was a shock! They drugs didn't agree with me what so ever. Also, they kept giving me fluids, 8 LITERS!! I cannot explain how bloated I am. So, not sure why this all happened but my surgeon was not a happy camper when he came to see me the next day. He wasn't happy with all of the drugs and fluids. So, since yesterday afternoon I've been on nothing but tylenol. I feel GREAT! I mean, great for have just coming out of a 7 and a half hour surgery. I am very sore, cannot stand up straight, can't sleep comfortably, can't shower for about 2 weeks probably. I am so dirty and smelly. BUT. I am incredibly grateful. I am grateful I was able to get this surgery after my 130 weight loss. I am so grateful for my family, Ryan and Ryan's family for being there for me even when it got tough. I love everyone and cannot thank you all enough for all of your support. Having so many of you rooting for me made this terrible experience a great one. I am so grateful and cannot wait to just feel better !!! Before and after pictures to follow, as soon as I am not so bloated :)

The big news....

I haven't posted since November because I have been at a stand still with my weight. I feel like the weight loss aspect of this journey has ended, and I am just at a point where I am maintaining. I am happy with my size. This is the size I pictured myself being from the beginning. I have officially kept this weight off for over a year. One very upsetting thing about my weight loss is my extra skin. I'm literally in the same place with my body that I was 4 years and 125 pounds ago. My stomach looks like I have carried 4 children. Often when I go to new doctors and they see my stomach I get the "how many kid do you have" question.  My breasts are another area of concern. I went from wearing a 46 DDD to a 36 C. Because of the dramatic change in size they have sagged so badly. I am still ashamed of my body. All the skin and sagging is a daily reminder that I can do nothing else to be happy. I can't lose anymore weight to make myself happy, and being so young, I decided I needed to do something.

This coming July 10 I will be getting skin removal surgery around my stomach and a breast augmentation. I am so excited, nervous, anxious, and just READY. I feel like I earned this. I put all the work in and like my family and close friends have been telling me, I deserve this. I deserve to be happy and feel confident. I cannot wait to just get it over with, I am terrified! It's such a strange feeling. 

So a little about the surgery- I will be in the operating room for 6 hours. They are going to be doing both procedures together. It is considered a same day surgery but my family and I decided it would probably be best to stay the night. My stomach surgery is a classic tummy tuck. The scar will be hip to hip under my bikini line so it will not be visible. The recovery is intense and painful. Hopefully I am prescribed some damn good pain meds. Going in I requested reconstructive surgery for my breast  because it isn't the size I am unhappy with it is the severe sagging.  However, the procedure is very invasive and a longer recovery time. So my surgeon and I decided to go with a small implant just to make them fit my body frame better and a lift. I have my issues with getting implants. I don't want the stigma that comes with having them but it is what's best for me. I am not ever going to have crazy porn boobs, that is not my goal what so ever. Hopefully when all is said and done it won't even be obviously that I had them done. 

So that is that. My journey is coming to a dramatic close. I am so grateful for my supportive family, friends and fiancé who have been there for me every step of the way in making this decision. It wasn't an easy one. I am really scared yet relieved I will finally be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I have never in my life felt that way. I just wish I could wake up like 2 weeks after the surgery. Throughout my recovery I will just think about how comfortable and hopefully beautiful I will look on my wedding day!!

Maybe if I grow some balls I will take some before and after shots of my tummy ;)