Sappy.

Sometimes it boggles my mind how I have done what I have done. It is hard to wrap my brain around losing so much weight, and changing my life. I was 19 when I made the choice to get healthy. Most 19 year olds are out having fun with friends, becoming who they are meant to become and living a carefree life. I on the other hand was 294 pounds. I didn't want to leave the house, I had barely any friends, and was so incredibly unhealthy. I vividly remember the moment I decided to do this. It was a Tuesday morning, and I had skipped class again- why? Because it was one of those classrooms where all the desks where attached to the chairs and I didn't fit. Kind of funny now, but at the time it was horribly embarrassing. Anyway, I was driving around thinking and something just clicked. I knew I was too young and too unhealthy. I wanted a better life. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be beautiful. I got home and found an empty journal. The rest is history.

Not a day has gone by in the past 3 years, 1 month and 8 days that this weight loss hasn't consumed me. Whether it was a good day, a bad day- a horrible month or successful month, it is all I have thought about. The thought of me being a small tiny 12 pounds away from the weight I have dreamt of since the beginning of all of this honestly brings tears to my eyes.

At times I have held on by a thread. There were times over the past 3 years that I didn't think I could do this. I thought I would fail and I have never been so sorry for thinking those thoughts. I can do anything, this journey has taught me just that. The motivation for losing this weight has changed over time. At first it was all about getting skinny. It has recently changed to get healthy and happy. That is really the most important thing in the world, being healthy.

I am going to lose these last 12 pounds for the old me. The 10 year old who was bullied on the playground, the 13 year old who never ever thought she would have a boyfriend because of her size, the 15 year old who didn't see her life getting better and wanting to die because of it, and the 19 year old who made a life changing, mature decision and saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have never been so motivated, it is radiating off of me. I want nothing more than to finish what I started, and help everyone I can get healthy and happy.

On to the last 12 pounds....

Inches.

Starting measurements:

2/18/10 - 294.4 lbs

Neck: 17 in.

Arms: 17 in.

Bust: 53 in.

Waist: 41 in.

Hips: 55 in.

Thighs: 26 in

2/18/12 - 181.6 lbs

Neck: 13 in.

Arms: 13 in.

Bust: 40 in.

Waist: 31.5 in.

Hips: 41.5 in.

Thighs: 22 in.

Current measurements:
3/18/13 - 169.2 lbs

Neck: 12.5 in.

Arms: 12.5 in. 

Bust: 37 in.

Waist: 30 in.

Hips: 40 in.

Thighs: 21.5 in.

Inches lost: 55.5 

So I totally forgot to do my yearly measurements on my 3rd year anniversary. I just did them and it is truly mind blowing. I lost 15 inches around my hips alone. That means I was like 7.5 inches wider on both sides.... Whoa baby. I hope this is a sweet dose of motivation :) 

So far so good this week. I am feeling wonderful and healthy. I will update further when I weigh in!!

A new perspective.

This past week was pure hell. I thought I was dieing. The impending news that I may have a cyst or something worse in/on my pancreas was just too much for me. I had all of these horrible dramatic thoughts and it seriously took a toll on me. I felt fatigued, sick and terrified. I was preparing myself for the worst news possible. That is one of my main flaws, I always expect the worst. Well, thankfully I am okay. Whatever they thought they saw on my ultrasound was not there on my MRI. My pancreas looks "beautiful" according to my doctor, and I no longer have bags under my eyes, and my heart in my throat. When the doctor told me I was okay, I cried. This was a scary thing to go through. Especially when I work day in and day out to be as healthy as I can be. The thought of there being something wrong inside is completely devestating. It sucked the life out of me, and I am grateful beyond words for my health more than ever. I do have a stomach ulcer, which is feeling better already after 2 weeks of Prilosec and watching what I eat. That will eventually heal and everything will be okay :)

Having this scare makes me even more motivated. It scared me into never ever wanting to go through those test, that feeling ever again. I want to get so healthy that I never have to go through it when I'm older. Everything happens for a reason and like I said before, I may always expect the worst but I do try to see the positive in everything after the fact. The positive things I learned from this experience were to be healthy, eat clean, be active, do not take anything for granted, especially your body. You only get one! Love, laugh, smile, be happy, have fun and to be grateful for everything in your life. I am especially grateful for my amazing boyfriend during all of this. He listened to me cry for hours, hearing all of my crazy, sometimes irrational thoughts on all of it. I would hold it in all day, and the minute he would walk in the room, I would burst  out into tears as he hugged me telling me everything would be okay. That is exactly what I needed. Someone to just listen and tell me no matter what happened, I would be okay and they would be there for me. After all of this, I am realizing how truly perfect, caring and wonderful he is. He is an angel and I love him so much it hurts! How did I get so lucky?


I did not lose any weight this week. No surprise there as it was the furthest thing from my mind. I did not gain so that's good. More importantly,  I am so happy, feeling healthy again and extremely motivated, probably more than ever. This whole thing really lit the fire under my ass. Not to mention, I have some very motivated people around me who I am supporting on there own journeys. I love it! I am so excited for what is to come :)

Give me a break!

I'm going to start this post with something I seem to always start my posts with...

Where to begin?

I stopped taking my birth control about 2 weeks ago now. Can I please tell you how amazing I feel? I did not realize how depressed I was while taking it. It turned me into a different person, a very scary, nauseous, tired person. I am so glad I stopped taking it, not only for my own sake but everyone around me (poor Ryan- thank you and I love you for putting up with my bullshit!!)

On a different note, to make a very long story short- I was having some pretty horrible abdominal pain. It started last Wednesday, the worst of it was Friday night into Saturday and it sort of went away on it's own. I had that pain twice before, about a year and a half ago, and then again 6 months ago. I didn't think anything of it except for this time it just felt like there was acid all in my belly and throat. I got an ultrasound of my stomach (I went in thinking it was my gallbladder) turns out I have a stomach ulcer. Am I surprised? No... The reason being is for the best 10 years I've suffered with insane menstrual cramps. My go to OTC painkiller is motrin. I pop them like candy for a week straight every month. So, that is that. I ruined my stomach and now I have to deal with the ulcer and cramps each month because moving forward taking motrin is not a choice! It can heal on its own and get better, I just have to be careful of what I eat. No citrus fruit, spicy things or excess caffeine. 

The ultrasound found a couple other things. I have a fatty liver. This should and will go away on its own once my body adjusts completely to the weight loss and as I lose even more weight. The doctor said this might be causing some of my symptoms but its unlikely. Lastly, they think I have a cyst in my pancreas. This is very scary and terrifies me because, we aren't exactly sure what it is yet, and the seriousness of it. I am trying to stay positive and just not think about it until I know exactly what the heck is in there. Out of everything I found out, this concerns me the most and I will update as soon as I get the MRI. I tried getting an MRI today for it, but it went totally wrong. The dye they injected me with ended up under my skin and not in my veins causing me to have a painful meltdown in the MRI machine. I have to wait a whole week to get the test redone. UGH! I cannot catch a break.

Okay, on a positive note. I lost 3.2 pounds this week! All of the water weight from my period is gone and I lost a pound on top of that. I weigh 169.2. Finally out of the 170s :)

I refuse to be a sick person. I don't care how much pain I am in because of this ulcer or whatever is going on in my pancreas. I cannot and will not let this stop me. I went to the gym the other night in so much pain I could not stand up straight. I didn't go crazy, just walked on the treadmill. However, it made me feel so much better knowing I can still do what needs to get done. No matter what the results are of this MRI, I will not stop doing what I am doing. It is not an option for me. I am only 14.2 pounds away from my 140 pound weight loss goal! Nothing is going to stop me now.